Chapter Text
The first few days? f*cking miserable. During one of these early days, Grimmjow decides to forcibly postpone his embarrassing-ass sulking for a while to think about it more rationally and concludes that it will just take time. That makes perfect sense: time heals all wounds and sh*t. He figures that by the time he hits a week from the last day he saw Ichigo, he will probably be back in the groove of things and the discomfort will have passed. And he ventures a guess that when he hits two weeks, he won't even think about Ichigo as much anymore. It is simply a function of time and he only needs to be patient to move on from what was admittedly more of a colossal f*ck up than he thought he was capable of making. The sooner this ends, the better. All he needs is for his life to return to normalcy. Nothing else.
Being alone is not a novelty; he has lots of experience. He should be able to slide right back into his pre-Ichigo routine no problem. It's actually exactly the same as it was: he didn't have Ichigo around before and he got along just fine. He can get along fine now too.
Can being the operative word, which isn't necessarily the same as does.
Over the past months, he never saw Ichigo on Sundays. Even if Ichigo couldn't meet up after his shift on the other days, Grimmjow would still see him briefly in the mornings. But Sundays were what everyone got off in case they wanted to go to church or some sh*t so he and Ichigo never saw each other on those days at all and as a result, it was always the most boring day of the entire week. Every single week, Sundays would drag on forever.
Now every day is a f*cking Sunday until he finally gets back to normal.
He hits the one-week mark and whatever magic he expected to suddenly happen when the clock struck midnight doesn't happen at all. He doesn't suddenly feel better. He doesn't stop thinking about Ichigo.
f*ck's sake, how much time is enough to get out of this slump?
He waits a few more days. Nothing changes. Grimmjow doesn't even know what to do with himself all day long.
Another few days pass. Same old sh*t.
He had been so thoroughly convinced all of his life that he was not the kind of person who could be destabilized this way. He genuinely thought he was better than this - f*cking smarter than this - and frankly he's disgusted with himself for demonstrating otherwise.
There is not any one instant in which he decides that he is going back. There is no specific breaking point that he can look at and say 'this, this was it.' He just finds his feet moving one morning and doesn't stop. He comes up with a hundred justifications to attempt to convince himself that it's okay, some of which are relatively believable and some of which aren't even close.
He doesn't focus too much on what this act means about him because he knows the answer. It doesn't make one goddamn bit of sense and it isn't what is good for Ichigo and there is no future where it turns out well no matter what they do from here on out, and he knows all that and he goes anyway.
Just going to take 'one more day,' huh? What a f*cking joke. He wishes that he had never met Ichigo because this is all too much. He wishes that Ichigo would wish he had never met Grimmjow either. They were the worst two people to end up in this situation together because they are a pair of stupid jackasses who happen to fit each other just a little too well, and they both fell into the same f*cking trap.
Ichigo will either be happy to see him right away or he'll be pissed for a few days first and then happy to see him. Whichever is the case, Grimmjow is definitely getting swung at again regardless. He had best start massaging his jaw in preparation for it now.
He doesn't need to stand around for long before he catches sight of Ichigo's hair coming his way and the instant he sees his face again, the selfish part of Grimmjow doesn't regret this choice one bit. He sees when Ichigo spots him in return because his jaw drops for a split-second before he quickly schools his expression back to neutral. When their eyes meet on his way past, Grimmjow thinks Ichigo might put a crick in his neck for how sharply he jerks it to show that he will be there in the afternoon.
Grimmjow goes several hours later to their meeting place and waits for him as he used to and when Ichigo arrives, Grimmjow greets him as if no time has passed. "Kurosaki."
He expects that punch or an interrogation or to get chewed out a little at minimum, but here where it is just the two of them again, Ichigo simply says, "Hey, Grimmjow," and the way he smiles makes Grimmjow's head swim. That unguarded smile is small but so full of relief.
He stands up and closes the distance between them. For once, he actually isn't sure what to say. "So-" Christ, Grimmjow's voice even sounds awkward to his own ears in just the one word.
Before he can finish his thought, he gets two hands on his ass to pull their bodies together as Ichigo makes a dive for his lips. Apparently Ichigo got a little pent up in his absence but this warrants exactly zero complaints from Grimmjow because he missed it too. Now he doesn't have to come up with what to say either, so it is a win-win.
It is making a playful jab about Ichigo's ass being too tight to have found anyone else while Grimmjow was gone that finally earns him his punch, and he almost gets it right in the dick. Probably deserved that one.
Ichigo almost never says his name in the heat of things but he says it today and that lights Grimmjow's blood on fire. He nearly says Ichigo's name back but catches himself in time to turn it into a wordless noise instead.
Initially, he had to assume that Ichigo simply had his priorities in order and wanted to get the sex out of the way before he dug into the questioning. But even afterward, Ichigo does not even hint at wanting to ask where the hell Grimmjow has been. He just lays there with his head on Grimmjow's shoulder looking as relaxed as can be. Doesn't even seem to care. It is as if the only important thing to him is that they are here now together.
How can he do that? Just hand-wave anything away? Grimmjow generally hasn't done anything for him. He didn't follow through the one time he swore he was going to prioritize Ichigo over himself. Ichigo freely admitted that Grimmjow has convinced him that he only wants him around because they f*ck. He should tell Grimmjow to go take a long walk on a short pier but he never does.
Instead he is laying here with Grimmjow after he disappeared without warning or explanation and his real concern seems to be making sure that Grimmjow knows Ichigo only sleeps with him, after the joke earlier. Ichigo even sounds a little upset that Grimmjow might think otherwise. That, of all things, is what has his attention.
...Grimmjow has never deserved him from day-f*cking-one. Why can't he do the right f*cking thing, huh? He assures Ichigo that he was just messing with him and doesn't believe that he is out f*cking around or whatever. He hesitates a moment before adding that he isn't either. He has only been with Ichigo in all this time since they met.
"That makes sense. I'm the only one willing to put up with you."
Works out fine, as he's the only one Grimmjow wants to put up with him anyway. "Real funny. Kinda thought you were going to ask where I'd been."
"I didn't think you would answer if I did, so there was no point," Ichigo explains easily. "Were you sick?"
It would be an easy out to say yes. "No."
"Okay." And that's that. No further questions. It is completely contrary to Grimmjow's expectations. Most of the time Ichigo won't let him get away with a damn thing: if Grimmjow snaps, he snaps back. If Grimmjow f*cks up, Ichigo is pointing it out. But this time around, none of that happens. It seems as though Ichigo is simply happy to have him back and nothing else matters.
When he wraps an arm around Ichigo's back and feels his face resting on him, so goddamn peaceful, Grimmjow nearly cracks. He nearly tells Ichigo that he missed him like he would miss a limb, that he cares for him beyond what he thought was possible, and that there is nothing he thinks he wants more in this whole sh*tty world than to spend time with Ichigo for as long as he possibly can and have him keep looking at Grimmjow like he's worth everything to someone. The words claw with knife-sharp fingers at the inside of his throat.
Maybe he can tell him. He can at least get it off his chest with Ichigo none the wiser. "Tu m'as manqué tellement." I missed you so much. He confides it like a secret into Ichigo's hair.
Ichigo asks what it means and he lies, claiming it was just another insult. Ichigo probably doesn't really believe that but there's no way he knows the real meaning either. He replies in Japanese with what he says is also an insult, so Grimmjow bites his ear and Ichigo's smile is so wide - he never smiles like that - that the sight of it twists Grimmjow's gut with guilt. The hell's the matter with me, that I can feel this way about you and not do what's good for you?
'A whole lot of sh*t,' is most likely the answer.
Grimmjow could stay here like this for hours, for days, as long as it is just the two of them and they don't have to worry about anything else.
Time finally seems to move at a normal pace again, Grimmjow doesn't shuffle along like an aimless corpse, and his mind is full of Ichigo, Ichigo, Ichigo. Well, scratch that: that part hasn't changed much. Better now, though.
Grimmjow can tell that Ichigo is reluctant to skip their time together, as he only goes home early to his family once a week now instead of twice as he had in the past.
Lately, it is harder to remember that this is probably a mistake and that he is prolonging the inevitable because everything is so good now. He has seen how it is when they are forced apart, and it's hell. How could anything be worse than that? Surely he's justified in avoiding pain for them where it isn't needed. Completely reasonable, he tells himself. Then when they run out of time, okay, no changing it, but that hasn't happened yet.
In the meantime, he appreciates the days they have and keeps everything else out of mind. He doesn't give Ichigo a lot of grief (outside of the funny, playful kind that they exchange in equal measure) and he isn't as curt with him. This is his new approach. Maybe it's wrong, but it's what he is doing.
Ichigo's eyes are so warm when he looks at Grimmjow. His expression is so relaxed.
They're happy. It's what they want. Maybe none of that matters in the big picture but it can matter for today.
He presently has to admit that life is pretty f*cking good. It is just the two of them in their own private bubble a lot of the time as if nothing else exists and if he could make a deal with the devil to make sure this would never change, he would agree to that sh*t in a heartbeat.
Ichigo's hot as hell sitting there across Grimmjow's hips the way he is, gazing down at him. He looks good in any light but this filtered sort of light mutes him a little and there is something appealing about that in its own way. Body feels hot as hell around Grimmjow's dick too.
Unfortunately, they have the worst luck of any two people in this whole f*cking town so they hear the door swinging open and voices floating through the otherwise quiet air. 'Private bubble' suddenly ain't so private anymore and they're in the absolute worst position they could be to get interrupted: naked and mid-f*ck.
Grimmjow feels Ichigo freeze above him! yanks him down against his own body with both arms so that no part of him is exposed to the door, and holds him there.
A thousand thoughts run through Grimmjow's head as quick as lightning. What should he do? This has the potential to be bad. The thought that sears him the most thoroughly is that Ichigo could suffer the consequences of Grimmjow's own actions here, which is something he has known would happen eventually and yet never been willing to take the necessary steps to avoid. f*ck that, Grimmjow doesn't want to live with that.
He needs to figure out what to do because the seconds are ticking away. If he does nothing, if he and Ichigo stay quiet, then that group is going to continue walking in here and they'll spot them once they get far enough inside. Should he try to hurry and get dressed and convince them to leave with him while Ichigo lies low? He can't: that would take too long.
Should he flip them over, put Ichigo under him and say when they get caught that he didn't want it but Grimmjow forced him? That idea makes him feel f*cking sick but it probably wouldn't be as bad for Ichigo that way, in terms of the stigma people would have of him. He would be viewed as a victim instead of a deviant when word got around. But Ichigo would hate that and likely refuse to go along with it even if Grimmjow could somehow convince him it was for his own good.
What he needs to do right now is f*cking pull himself together and solve this one way or another. If there's a pound of flesh to pay, then it's Grimmjow's turn. God knows Ichigo has already paid more than his fair share between them.
Ultimately he manages to bullsh*t their way out of any immediate trouble by shouting about being with a girl. If there is one talent Grimmjow has, it's bullsh*tting, thank f*ck.
The intruders laugh, and leave, and Grimmjow is moving frenetically, pulling his clothes on while shooting instructions at Ichigo all the while about what he needs to do next. When he looks up, Ichigo is sitting there as if in a daze and Grimmjow can't tell whether he is even hearing him. "Kurosaki!" he whispers as loudly as he can without shouting and flicks him with his shirt.
"Yeah. I got it. You think they saw me?"
"Not a f*ckin' psychic," Grimmjow snaps at him. Then he looks at Ichigo more carefully, sees the uncertainty in his eyes, and eases his tone. "It'll be alright," he assures. "Just do what I told you: keep it together and deny it if anyone says sh*t to you. Light ain't too bright in here so long as you don't act nervous, 's just someone else's word against yours."
Ichigo nods wordlessly.
And Grimmjow isn't lying: it will be alright. He isn't going to let anything happen.
He does not hear or see anything over the coming days to indicate that anything is amiss or about to go south, but the uneasy feeling lingers. The feeling that Ichigo might pay for his bad decisions suddenly seems much more like an impending reality than a potentiality and it makes him more gun-shy than he has previously been.
The strike had begun back in the beginning of June, just a few weeks before he met Ichigo. It comes to an end in early November.
They haven't spoken since their near-miss last Friday, Grimmjow only signaling "no" in the mornings. No, don't come meet me.
For all that he had been shaken up in the moment, Ichigo sure doesn't seem very f*cking worried about their little incident now: in response to being shot down every day, he has begun giving Grimmjow glares that could kill plants. What the f*ck? How is he suddenly so carefree? The Ichigo of months ago who worried himself sick that he was a bad person if he wanted to f*ck Grimmjow is evidently long gone. If he could just be a little goddamn patient until Grimmjow has confidence that they are in the clear, that would be nice.
He is back at his building on a Thursday evening (no meeting with Ichigo again today, and he looked pissed about it as usual) when he overhears a few of his colleagues who also have rooms there. They're talking about going out for drinks so Grimmjow draws a little closer and manages to tag along. This seems as good an opportunity as any for him to feel the situation out because odds are that at least one of the three who had nearly stumbled across him and Ichigo will be there. Generally everyone gets pretty loaded at these outings so if anyone saw anything, they're more likely to drunkenly mention it and Grimmjow can diffuse the situation as needed then and there. He should probably pace his own alcohol, both so that he stays sharp and in case he needs to fight. If anyone actually thinks they saw Ichigo with him, well. He's hoping that is not the case. He would figure something out but it would be tough. Hopefully he could just put on a show about being belligerently insulted with enough insistence to be convincing and that would do the trick.
On the other hand, maybe Grimmjow will find out that Ichigo is right, that no one saw anything and they have nothing to worry about. Then he can quit being on edge and Ichigo can stop giving him those looks like he wants to kick his teeth in.
When he is in a seat and popping the cap off his bottle, he hears someone slide into the seat next to him. "You make it up to your girl?"
"Hm?" Grimmjow responds before even turning to take a look at who the hell it is.
"The other night, remember? We busted in on you." Yeah, Grimmjow recognizes him. "I have to say, even I felt a little guilty about ruining your night that way."
Grimmjow has be careful not to lose his cigarette when he huffs a laugh at that. "What, you think I don't get to f*ck often?" The tone and expression don't suggest that the 'girl' comment was sarcastic or anything. Man said it like he believed it, which is a good sign. "Don't you worry about me. Willing to bet 'm getting it a lot more than anyone else here." Obviously not over the past week, but cumulatively over the past several months, with how often he and Ichigo got at it? Damn right he would put money on that bet. They've got very healthy libidos, is all. And okay, he's a little proud. Who wouldn't be?
Whatever the reply to that was going to be, they are both distracted by noise from up the table of someone banging a bottle against the wood. "Everybody listen up, Thomas's got news."
Grimmjow stiffens reflexively for an instant but this can't have anything to do with him. Someone wouldn't sound so excited about it if set to start yapping about 'hey, that one sitting right there is definitely a fa*g, we caught him redhanded.' His spine relaxes. Probably just going to announce that someone else is getting married or some stupid sh*t like that. Nothing that will matter to him.
Turns out he is very much wrong because Thomas is standing up and he looks ridiculously happy about whatever this news is. "I bumped into our rep a few hours ago and he said they just finished signing after we all left for the day. We're back in, boys."
Amidst the whooping and hollering around him, Grimmjow's initial reaction of 'good, f*ckin' finally' lasts for all of approximately five seconds before the rest of the obvious consequences hit him and he has to clench his teeth.
And sure enough, Thomas continues, "They're kicking out the scabs and we're all back in as of tomorrow with new wages."
Grimmjow doesn't want to have to keep up the charade of being delighted if he sticks around so he plasters on a fake grin until he sees his chance to make an early exit.
Ichigo had expressed to Grimmjow at one point that he had a lot of trouble finding places that would take him and so whenever he lost an opportunity for work, it took him time to find another. Whether that is just because of how he looks or his accent, Grimmjow doesn't know. Shortly after they met, he had told Ichigo that he would likely be out at the mine when the deal was done and Ichigo had fretted, and then Grimmjow shrugged him off and they moved on and never revisited the subject. Grimmjow hadn't cared much back then about Ichigo's worries; he was just having fun with someone who entertained him.
He cares now.
And of course, there is another pressing issue. Grimmjow took all the time he could - long past what he should have - but their clock has finally run out. With Ichigo laid off, they won't even have the opportunity to cross paths naturally now. There is nowhere safe for them to meet that makes sense if someone were to see them both coming and going. They'll stick out like sore thumbs and attract attention anywhere and they'll likely be on different schedules once Ichigo finds his next gig. It won't work anymore from a practical standpoint, so this really has to be the end.
Now the only question that remains is this: who should Ichigo hear it from? Would he be better off hearing all this from some stuck up asshole in an expensive outfit or would he be better off hearing it from Grimmjow? It will be bad news regardless of the source but at least if he hears it from Grimmjow, he can cuss and scream all he wants in response. He can have someone to take it out on if he needs to. Especially when Grimmjow follows it up by making him realize that they have to be done, too. Tomorrow is going to be a bad day for Ichigo.
Not going to be a very good one for Grimmjow either, truth be told, but he has to put that thought on the back-burner for now. He knew it was coming someday. Now he just knows exactly when.
Morning rolls around and Grimmjow tries to get there as early as possible. He will only have the opportunity to be the one to break the news to Ichigo if he can pull him aside before most of the others arrive. He realizes that he didn't think this through very f*cking well yesterday because as the minutes pass, it seems less and less likely that will happen. If they finished signing that deal as late as they said yesterday, they wouldn't have had time to tell Ichigo so he should still show up, right?
By the time the rest of Grimmjow's people who showed are filtering inside for their union meeting, Ichigo is still not there. There goes his plan.
Maybe it is best that he isn't the one to tell Ichigo after all. Maybe it is better if he doesn't even see him. Maybe it will be easier on them that way. But Grimmjow knows Ichigo too well for that: he's going to demand some sort of conclusion, some sort of goodbye.
Grimmjow goes inside with the rest of the group and waits for whatever will happen next.
Ichigo manages to sneak his way in somehow even though he isn't supposed to be there anymore and makes an effort to catch Grimmjow's eye. He is doing his level best to glare enough to sway Grimmjow into finally meeting up.
Grimmjow steels himself and inclines his head.
Ichigo is already waiting for Grimmjow when he gets there.
Grimmjow doesn't look at him because he knows that will piss him off. Won't be enough, though. Even if Ichigo is spitting mad, he won't walk away without a fight. He has put up with every sh*tty thing Grimmjow has ever said to him and this time will be no different. He just tries to hang on so f*cking tight.
"I'm out, now that you're back in."
Grimmjow strikes a match to light his cigarette. He is going to need all the help he can get to deal with this, even if the only help he has got is tobacco. "Yeah. That's generally how it works. Told you that before."
"Do you not care?"
He knows what Ichigo wants to hear. But he also knows what part he needs to play. "Why would I?"
He isn't looking but he imagines Ichigo's eyebrows tilt downward in annoyance. "Only because of what it means for me and you."
Just f*ckin' let go already. "So, nothing. Since there ain't a 'me and you.'"
And instead of responding with enough flash-fire anger to escalate into a knock-down drag-out brawl, Ichigo surprises him. In his peripheral vision he sees Ichigo's head drop. His eyes seem to be off Grimmjow, who takes the opportunity to sneak the briefest glance.
Ichigo is staring down in the vicinity of Grimmjow's shoes and his shoulders are not as firm and confident as they usually are. They are slumped a little. Resigned. Grimmjow doesn't know what to expect next, with him looking that way. He should look angrier than that.
After a moment, Ichigo speaks up again: "Yeah, I know that. But I was thinking- if we still met up once in a while, just to keep f*cking, then that would be okay with me." Only problem is that he can't lie to save his damn life and certainly not to Grimmjow, who knows him inside out by this point.
"That's the only reason you want me around," he recalls a drunk Ichigo laughingly saying. Grimmjow's jaw still tenses every time that memory hits him, even a month later. The sex is the only card Ichigo thinks he has between them so he is trying to play it if it means they won't have to stop seeing each other. Holding onto the cliff edge by just his fingertips and still won't call it.
Grimmjow tells him no but Ichigo keeps f*cking pushing, demanding answers and explanations. Grimmjow's patience evaporates. Why can't he just make it f*cking easy? How did everything go so f*cking wrong, to bring them to this point? How did Grimmjow let it spiral so out of his control? Ichigo needs to get a grip on reality and Grimmjow is so goddamn tired of it falling on him to get that through Ichigo's head.
If Grimmjow didn't love him, he would hate him. They are doomed to only ever see each other in extremes.
"Christ, you make everything so f*ckin' difficult, and for what?!" He wishes he could hate Ichigo. "I just said it was done! Never would've started this sh*t if I'd've known you'd be like this! Desperate for my dick ain't a good look, you know."
Grimmjow is looking at him now, so he sees it. He sees when the bite registers and when the defeat settles into Ichigo's eyes. The anger follows shortly thereafter. Ichigo (rightfully) calls him a coward, says that he hopes he never sees him again, and storms out. The silence echoes once he is gone.
Mission finally accomplished but there is no satisfaction in Grimmjow's success. He will not get to see that look anymore, he realizes despondently. That look Ichigo would direct at him sometimes, as if he were the most important person in the world and there was no one Ichigo would rather see. His whole goddamn face would light up with it.
Every ounce of energy in Grimmjow's body is sapped right out of him, thinking about having lost that look forever.
He had to do it, had to give him a good shove to get him going. He didn't have a choice. Their circ*mstances have changed, they don't have the convenience of proximity anymore and so their only opportunity is gone. The whole thing was Ichigo's f*cking fault anyway. He had gone and made it all a f*cking mess.
Grimmjow had to. And Ichigo brought this upon himself.
"Aren't you going to tell me that you would have missed me if I was dead?"
Doesn't need to be dead. Grimmjow is going to miss him now, while he is still alive. He has collected so many memories of Ichigo over the last five months. Usually he doesn't have a great memory for sh*t about people but all of his memories of Ichigo are clear as glass. He had always been so f*cking pleased with himself for figuring out how to perfectly respond to Grimmjow's defensiveness. He had done it many times - probably more often than he realized - simply by being who he was naturally: by being hot-headed, snarky, but ultimately caring Ichigo. All of it let him barrel his way right into Grimmjow's life.
This will haunt him for a while. Ridiculous as it sounds, he can see it like he sees his hand in front of his face. At points down the line in his life, he will be sitting somewhere looking up at the sky and smoking a cigarette and the thought will come to him, about the times when it had been him and Ichigo. That he had been lucky enough at one time in his lousy f*cking life to meet someone one-of-a-kind and even have him look Grimmjow's way. He vaguely wonders whether, all that time from now, the thoughts will hurt like a fresh wound or simply throb as if already scabbed-over. Someone like him isn't meant to keep the things he loves so it is better when he loves nothing at all. But at least now he can think back and say he did it once. Look at Grimmjow: having new experiences and living life to the f*cking fullest. He wouldn't have minded skipping this experience, though. Doesn't feel worth it to get something he could never keep, because now he'll just always know that it's missing.
Whether it had been for a lack of better options, or fondness, a combination of both or something else altogether, Ichigo had wanted him too. But who cares? Ichigo has been miserable a lot of the time. Grimmjow hasn't been able to keep his head on straight and let things get worse and worse. What good has it done either of them to feel anything, to temporarily have this?
"Some people aren't meant to have good lives anyway."
Probably true, but Ichigo shouldn't be one of those people, Grimmjow thinks as he stares at the far wall of their little hideout. Ichigo will probably be happy, a while from now. His luck will finally turn. At some point in the future when Grimmjow still has a passing thought about him, things will have fallen into place in Ichigo's life. He probably won't ever think about Grimmjow then, but the thought that Ichigo will reach some semblance of peace is a bit of a comfort as Grimmjow stands there with nowhere he needs to go and no one he needs to see.
Ichigo deserves it all. Everything he wants that's good for him, that is what he should have. Grimmjow hopes he f*cking gets it all, every last thing.
Ichigo. One-of-a-kind Ichigo. Grimmjow knew it was only ever going to be for a little while.
Ha - Ichigo had cared about him so f*cking much, God only knew why. As Grimmjow inhales a long breath, there is one small unstable hitch in the middle born solely of a bone-deep weariness he has never felt before.
He isn't used to dreams waking him up in the middle of the night. Images gnaw at him, worst case scenarios of Ichigo out on the street or simply distressed looking at faceless little sisters that Grimmjow has never seen. If he had been told in the past that he would ever feel this way, he would have laughed. Night after night he lays awake and when he finally falls asleep, he only ever dreams of those same images.
He never feels like getting out of bed these days, sleeping like sh*t the way he is, but he does it anyway. One of his colleagues even asks what the f*ck is going on with him while they're underground one afternoon, which is a first. Apparently it is just that obvious that Grimmjow is all f*cked up.
He knows he shouldn't see Ichigo, but he doesn't have to see him to make sure he is okay. He knows where Ichigo lives. Maybe he'll sleep at night again if he ensures that Ichigo and his family won't waste away like he has been dreaming.
He is working again so he has cash to spare if he just rations it a little. Ichigo and his family need it more than Grimmjow does.
The plan to covertly leave some money for them works exactly twice without incident but Ichigo is a quick little f*cker and catches him on the third go. Very unsurprisingly, he is fuming about the situation, too proud to take something like this lying down. He is as much of a spitfire when pissed as he has always been which is a good sign: stands to reason Grimmjow hasn't f*cked him up too much.
Surprises Grimmjow how it makes him feel to see Ichigo's face again, even with that furious expression.
"I don't want anything from you! I don't want your pity or your charity or anything at all. I want you to stay away from here," Ichigo says.
Can't he just be a little less f*cking stubborn? Grimmjow put him through the wringer and now when he finally has a chance to do something good to balance it out, Ichigo is throwing a goddamn tantrum. "You really think I'd be able to sleep at night knowing you and those little sisters you love and your sick old man might go to bed hungry?" He is trying to keep his voice low and he's doing a better job of it than Ichigo. "Maybe 'm a piece of sh*t - and I've given you plenty of reason to think that, Kurosaki, I f*ckin' know that - but I ain't a monster. Ain't going to stand by and knowingly let you starve."
"I don't give a f*ck how you sleep at night!" Ichigo spits angrily. He insists that he will take care of things himself and tells Grimmjow that yeah, he is a piece of sh*t. He tells Grimmjow to stay away from him before leaving him standing in the hallway alone.
Asshole. Grimmjow stuffs the money back under the door before he goes.
Ichigo being mad at him changes nothing. Even if Ichigo hates his guts, it changes nothing. Grimmjow will keep f*cking worrying about him so he needs to do this. Ichigo isn't going to stop him.
He thinks he is going to get away with it the next time because he makes it all the way out of Ichigo's building without incident, but he got ahead of himself: they run into each other right on the street. One goddamn headache after another. "f*ck."
There is no way to avoid getting chewed out six ways to Sunday by Ichigo at this point. He tucks his hands in his pockets and watches Ichigo march up to him. They are right out on the damn street so he had better have the sense not to start yelling.
"Come with me." Not a yell, but it was definitely an order. And when he walks off, Grimmjow pauses for a few seconds before following him to the side of the building. Ichigo must be worried about him making a break for it because he clamps his hand down on Grimmjow's arm for the rest of the way.
The moment they have privacy, Ichigo is already bitching up a storm that Grimmjow refused to leave well enough alone. And whatever, he's mad, he thinks Grimmjow isn't fit to breathe the same air as him, who gives a flying f*ck? He was always going on and on and on about worrying about his family and providing for them; what happened to that? He's not willing to bite his tongue for a few days for their sake and accept what is being offered while they're in a tough spot? His pride has always been pretty substantial but either that or his bitterness seem to have overtaken his sense of obligation.
Turns out Ichigo isn't as lofty as he likes to come across. Grimmjow sneers at him. "Your family that much less important than you being pissed at me? Don't really fit your f*ckin' holier-than-thou persona, Kurosaki. Wouldn't've expected it of you."
He doesn't see it coming when he suddenly eats a fist but he probably should have.
No one has ever managed to deck Grimmjow in the face as many times as Ichigo, that's for f*cking sure. What is this, the fourth time? Grimmjow is lucky he hasn't lost a tooth yet. He spits out a mouthful of saliva-diluted blood and - love or not - his instinct is to hit back as hard as he can. He stops himself at the last second though, because Ichigo looks like he is a single breath away from crumpling. "That make you feel better?"
Ichigo doesn't respond to the question but the answer is beyond obvious as he lowers himself to the ground, fight slowly seeping out of him all the while. He says that Grimmjow wouldn't accept this if their roles were reversed, as if that matters. And he is stuck on this idea of Grimmjow not caring, based on what he had said back at their final meeting in the shed.
Can he really not tell that was bullsh*t? Like Grimmjow would even be f*cking standing here if he didn't care about Ichigo.
f*cking Ichigo. Whining and complaining as if he is the only one who has been inconvenienced here, as if he is the only one whose life was turned upside down. He never f*cking understands anything. This is his fault and Grimmjow tells him so. It is.
Sure, Grimmjow f*cked up too, but Ichigo is to blame in the first place because Grimmjow has never been in this position before, never been thrown so off-balance. Something about Ichigo caused this. Something about him was more than Grimmjow was able to counter. If Ichigo hadn't felt the way he did, hadn't fallen into it so far, Grimmjow may have continued on like normal and this whole goddamn mess would never have happened. If Ichigo hadn't been who he is, it would have been smooth-f*cking-sailing. Yet here he is, sitting on his ass talking like Grimmjow came out unaffected and unscathed.
That really pisses him off. "You think I wanted this to happen? Think I wanted to get all twisted around 'til I didn't f*ckin' know which way was up anymore?!" Grimmjow catches himself. He stops himself with a restraint that he sometimes lacks. There are a lot of things he has never said because he is realistic enough to know that they never would have helped. Saying those things would only have dug the grave deeper, and so he held it all in.
Ichigo believes that he may as well say whatever he wants because things can't get any worse.
...Hell, Ichigo might be right. This hasn't gone the way Grimmjow ever planned and there is no salvaging it at this point. They're both so f*cking stupid when it comes to each other that it would be funny if it weren't such a mess.
For once, Grimmjow tells Ichigo nothing but the truth. That he has wanted and wanted and wanted and it has never been enough. He gets a little carried away in finally voicing all of this bullsh*t he has been holding back for so long but the core truth here is very simple: nothing good has or can come of this for Ichigo and Grimmjow has known that for a while.
It just won't click for Ichigo. He has never understood what he would be signing up for, what he would be throwing away, and for what? So that he could keep Grimmjow around? That would be a bad f*cking trade by any measure; even Grimmjow knows that. "We can't have any more than the sh*t we were able to get away with; not to keep for good. Even if you can't understand that, even if you don't get the way the world works, I do, Ichigo."
Ichigo is just sitting there on the ground, looking up at him. But he isn't looking at him in the way that Grimmjow has missed over the past few weeks. He is looking at him as if he is a stranger. That doesn't sit well.
So Grimmjow keeps talking. "Kept trying to push you away and you didn't wanna go for the longest time. Stubborn bastard." But of the two of them, he is more to blame, and he admits it. He admits it all: that he was trying to navigate appropriately and trying to keep Ichigo at the right distance until he found that he couldn't.
Ichigo should be able to see that Grimmjow tried. He tried not to make it worse.
Ichigo doesn't seem to think he tried very hard. "Do you know how it felt, to go back and forth wondering whether you liked me or hated me depending on the day? I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was worth nothing." And he is not interested in Grimmjow's rationalizations. "Don't talk like you did all that for me. You did it for yourself because you couldn't stick to a decision. You tried to force me to do it for you." Then he drops his head to rest on his arms over his knees as if exhausted.
Grimmjow runs through that again in his head, then again, and again. There is nothing he can say to defend himself. Nothing that will make him look like a good person. He hasn't been. Ichigo is right.
All along he told himself that he was looking out for Ichigo and that justified everything. He was doing the most he could, at least. He didn't want to walk away from Ichigo himself - and he couldn't stay away when he did - so he always thought the next best thing was to keep a sort of barbed wire fence between them and then Ichigo would just eventually wander away on his own. He had been attempting to indirectly show Ichigo the right path. Somehow thinking about it that way sounded better than how Ichigo said it: "You tried to force me to do it for you." In the end, though, it is the exact same thing.
He looks at Ichigo now, really looks at how it has all weighed on him, and he decides that he would take it all back if he could. He honestly f*cking would. He would trade all of their time away if it meant Ichigo didn't have to look so defeated. He would give up every single good memory, because this is too high a price to pay.
Ichigo isn't feeling particularly chatty outside of a reply here or there after that. And Grimmjow had not realized that he had so much to say until he now has the opportunity to say it. He apologizes for what might be the first time in his life.
He tells Ichigo that he cares about him, that if it came down to it and only one of them would be alright, he would pick Ichigo. That his only concern when it was do or die was Ichigo's well-being. It doesn't matter at this point but Grimmjow sort of wants him to know that anyway. He asks Ichigo whether he believes him.
Ichigo's expression is unreadable. "I don't know if I can. You have a strange f*cking way of showing it."
Yeah. Grimmjow guesses he can't blame him. "Least it ain't a 'no.'" He does care though, whether or not Ichigo believes it. Maybe he doesn't do it the right way, maybe he can't, but as much as he can care about Ichigo, he does. That part has to be the truth even if nothing else is.
Ichigo keeps his eyes focused straight ahead when he says, "I kept coming back as much as you did. We're both idiots. I loved you the whole time no matter how much I wished I didn't."
This dumb bastard. Blind as a bat, too. Can't see what's good for him. Can't see that he is asking to throw it all away for a jackass who has f*cked him over for his own selfish benefit at every turn. It was a mistake for Ichigo to ever get involved in this, to ever agree to meet up to fight that first day. It has led to nothing but unhappiness for him. Grimmjow has dragged him down and he still doesn't even see it, is willing to stay down here. Ichigo has to be the world's biggest fool, no contest, and Grimmjow feels so strongly for him that it scares the f*ck out of him.
They are both sitting there letting it all sink in until Ichigo breaks the silence. "What do we do now?"
Grimmjow doesn't have the first clue but he holds Ichigo against his side anyway.
It would be the easiest thing to tell him that Grimmjow wants this and f*ck the consequences, f*ck the risks, they should do whatever they goddamn please and if that's together, then it's together. Ichigo would be in hook, line, and sinker; he would move mountains to make it happen because that is just who he is.
Ichigo is the kind of person people always claim to be but never are. He is the kind of person who deserves an incredible life surrounded by all the things and people that make him happy. He isn't the kind of person who deserves to have people look at him like he's dirt, or refuse to be seen with him, or refuse to offer him work. And that is what would probably happen somewhere down the line if they kept trying to sneak around forever.
"You told me one time you didn't think you were meant to have a good life. You thought you must've done something to not deserve it."
Ichigo's stiff reaction alone proves that part of the night slipped his mind.
"Point is, you can have a good life, Kurosaki. Someone like you, it'll work itself out," Grimmjow assures him. He is confident that he's right on this one. "You'll help out your family, find a place that treats you right and pays good, meet new people. Find a pretty girl in a few years and settle down. Have some little brats with hair that's way too orange. One day you'll be sitting there thinking you don't remember what it was like when your life was tough."
He doesn't know whether they will ever come across each other when they are back to living their regular lives. They somehow had not had any overlap before the strike. Grimmjow would have remembered seeing him if they had.
Ichigo considers for a moment, then asks about Grimmjow. How his life will be. Because Ichigo is always thinking of someone else even when he should be looking out for himself.
Grimmjow's future isn't hard to guess. He'll be doing the same sh*t ten years from now, no doubt. "Maybe not fall in love with any more spitfire foreigners, though," he lets Ichigo know. "Already punched that card."
He doesn't think this will ever happen again, because there is no one else like Ichigo. This was a one-time deal. This was the only way it could ever be.
"I want you to be in it."
"Hm?"
"In my life, later on. I want you to be in it."
Grimmjow huffs a laugh. "That's 'cause your heart's too goddamn big."
Ichigo - idiot that he is - asks whether it's what Grimmjow wants, them apart. He knows he has been back and forth but Ichigo has to get it now, how Grimmjow really sees him. What he wants is to keep Ichigo with him in spite of everything but, as established, his wants have f*cked them both over.
Ichigo is quiet again and Grimmjow sighs. He feels like he could sleep for about five years straight for how drained he is. He tugs Ichigo's face over to him and kisses him, and it might be the most honest kiss they have ever shared. Just a press of lips between two people who somehow saw something they craved in each other.
"'M going to miss you, I am. But this's the right thing, for you." He doesn't think Ichigo will get it because he doesn't want to get it, but this is the truth. "You'll see later on, that you deserve a better life, better than having to sneak around and get treated- how I treated you." Which was, as Ichigo previously stated, like sh*t. "Some girl'll love you a ton and you'll love her. You won't even think about me. Promise. You'll be happy and you won't have to hide, alright?"
And Grimmjow does want it for him. He'll miss him like f*cking crazy and he'll wish he could have kept him, but he will still know it is the right thing. Even if a big part of Grimmjow - the part of him that would never stay away from Ichigo in the first place - hopes he doesn't have to see it up close, this happy life for Ichigo where he doesn't and can't exist. This life where Ichigo probably looks at someone else the way he used to look at Grimmjow.
Yeah, no f*cking thanks. Grimmjow can be happier for him if he doesn't have to have a front-row seat for that.
He offers a hand to pull Ichigo to his feet when he doesn't reply. The day has to end at some point and it seems everything that needs to be said between them has now been said.
"What if I found a way to make it work?" Ichigo asks abruptly. "Would you want it?"
Grimmjow loves Ichigo, he swears he f*cking does, but he also really wants to strangle him to death. "What'd I just spend all this time f*ckin' explaining to you?! We can't make it work!"
Ichigo ignores the offered hand up and stands on his own. "Since when do you give up so easily? You say you want me but you won't even try. That isn't the Grimmjow I know." It is another challenge, another bait. Ichigo would never be Ichigo if he stopped digging his heels in and asking for more.
'Not the Grimmjow he knows.' Right, absolutely, because Grimmjow has always just been so f*cking open and authentic that Ichigo can definitely read him. Dipsh*t. "That right? 'Cause I ain't sure you ever knew the real Grimmjow."
Ichigo's expression is resolute. "I saw a lot of parts of him. You aren't as impossible to know as you think you are. Honesty is the least you owe me, so answer the question."
Honesty won't do sh*t for either of them. Honesty doesn't change anything. Grimmjow doesn't even know if his honesty today has them better or worse off.
That Ichigo still asked the question is dumb as f*ck in and of itself because as far as Grimmjow is concerned, he has bled all of his guts and thoughts and secrets all over the ground and Ichigo's lap here tonight. The answer should be obvious as anything. But fine, whatever, Ichigo can have it spelled out for him in big bold letters if he wants another round of confirmation because it doesn't make any goddamn difference. Maybe then he will finally run out of f*cking questions. Grimmjow has given up on convincing him to see things his way because it ain't going to happen; Ichigo is too stubborn. "Yeah, sure. I would. Would want you to keep wasting as much of your f*ckin' life on me as possible 'til you finally wised up. I'd be greedy and take every second with you I got, even knowing the whole time you deserved much f*ckin' better. There. There's your honesty. But none of it matters."
Ichigo looks so... conflicted. He really wanted to keep this. Grimmjow doesn't fully understand why, but Ichigo did and it hurts him that he can't. f*cking shame, is what it is, that he didn't wish for something better, or at least something more attainable.
Grimmjow holds his cheek in his hand and strokes his lip. He has kissed these lips so many times over the past several months. He even remembers the very first time, impulsive and adrenaline-charged as it was. Ichigo really does have such a lovely face, just as Grimmjow passingly thought back on the day they met.
Ichigo then proposes a plan about having Grimmjow move in with him and his family, which is the craziest thing he has said all night. Grimmjow tells him no. He isn't going to have done all of this for nothing just to be back in the exact same goddamn dilemma.
"I would make it work!" Ichigo argues. "I'm saying that I can do whatever it takes; why can't you trust me?!"
He will keep fighting fate forever; Grimmjow can see it in him. Ichigo will f*cking rally against fate until the day he dies, and that's beautiful but it is also a little sad. Fighting fate only ever ends one way in Grimmjow's experience.
"'M sorry for dragging you through all this, Kurosaki. Mean that from the bottom of my sh*tty heart. Should've been a better man and done it different from the start." Ichigo would have done it differently, if their positions had been reversed. But that's just because, between the two of them, Ichigo is the better man. "I just ain't."
It is likely that no goodbye would ever be enough but this one feels especially sh*tty. This goodbye tastes like the loss of things Grimmjow is never going to have again and he doesn't know how he'll be able to rinse it out of his mouth.
He has never been as out of it in his life as he is over the following week. Working again does not take his mind off anything. Might even make him think of Ichigo more often because he was in the same places doing the same things as Grimmjow is back to doing now. And Grimmjow sees that f*cking shed in the distance when he comes in and out of the mine everyday and he wants to burn the thing to the ground.
He should make a bet with himself on how much time it will take to get over it. Already knows it's more than two f*cking weeks, doesn't he? Been there, done that.
As much as he tries not to, Grimmjow thinks a lot about what they each said in that last conversation, standing behind Ichigo's building. He thinks a lot about the look on Ichigo's face. Bastard never, ever gave up. He had written Ichigo off in the beginning as a naïve kid who didn't know anything about anything. And in some ways he is, but in other ways he is a lot more insightful than Grimmjow has given him credit for.
"Damn you, Grimmjow. I don't understand, I don't understand how you can say everything you said and then give up without- without even trying."
This entire time, Grimmjow has been telling himself that Ichigo doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand what could happen if they were to try to be together and have something beyond f*cking in a shed and leaving twenty minutes apart so that no one sees.
But he realizes that isn't true. Ichigo does get it. He just doesn't give a sh*t because he's brave. Because he will fight to keep the things he wants. The funniest part of it all is that, for all that Grimmjow prided himself on being a certain type of person, in some ways Ichigo is more that person than he is. In this, Ichigo has been a whole lot braver.
"I'm saying that I can do whatever it takes; why can't you trust me?!"
Because he doesn't trust anyone: that's why. Because if he puts his fate in someone else's hands, if he gives away control of part of his life, he can get f*cking burned beyond anything he has ever experienced before.
Because he has come to care about Ichigo more than he cares about himself - even if he hasn't always shown it - and if Ichigo would end up ostracized and downtrodden because of Grimmjow, he isn't sure what he would do with that. He doesn't want to find out.
Even with all of that, of course he misses him. He misses all the good times, all the times they were happy. There had been a lot of them. Otherwise Grimmjow wouldn't know how Ichigo looks when he smiles or laughs.
He has made so many goddamn mistakes lately that it feels like he can't tell what is and what isn't a mistake anymore.
He did as much as he could for what he thought was Ichigo's benefit even if that didn't line up with what Ichigo wanted. And for better or for worse, for whatever the reasons may have been, what Ichigo wanted all that time was to stay with Grimmjow.
Grimmjow has kept them from what Ichigo wants - what they both want - like he's some kind of f*cking martyr. He's so desperate to finally succeed because up to this point, he has failed at it at every time.
...But that isn't him. He has never been a martyr and that is probably why he keeps failing. His philosophy in life - hard-crafted by hard living - has always been 'take what you want or else you'll get nothing.' Yet here Grimmjow is, refusing to let Ichigo do the same. The heart of it (and he will acknowledge this nowhere outside of his own head) is fear. Fear for Ichigo's sake, yeah, but fear nonetheless. Grimmjow doesn't want him to f*ck his life up and regret it. Grimmjow doesn't want it to be his fault if Ichigo does.
But Ichigo - who has more to lose, who has given and given when he has never gotten much back, who has fought until his knuckles were bloody - isn't afraid.
"We're both idiots. I loved you the whole time no matter how much I wished I didn't."
Take what you want or else you'll get nothing.
Grimmjow recognizes that this could go a few different ways as he lifts his fist to rap on the door labeled '6.' He has thought so f*cking long and hard about all of this that he feels pretty confident he couldn't have missed any possible outcomes.
The first way it could go is that he gets turned away by Ichigo himself. While he had pushed for this a week ago, Ichigo had nonetheless been visibly exhausted over everything and might have changed his mind later after thinking through all that had been said and done. There is a chance that Grimmjow is too late. But he walked into this building anyway because whether Ichigo still wants him or not, he should see that he's worth someone going after him. He is worth more than he has gotten and at least in that, Grimmjow doesn't think it's too late to show him.
The second possibility is that Ichigo is willing to let him in but his old man sniffs them out like a bloodhound and shoves Grimmjow right back out the door with a kick in the ass for good measure. Grimmjow won't have very much say in that one.
And the last possibility, well. He and Ichigo throw caution to the wind and see what happens, but they do it together. In reality, Ichigo's plan is a pretty f*cking decent one, all things considered. If they lived together, they would have easy access to each other but also plausible deniability to anyone outside of his family. The Kurosaki family lives on a single income and renting out space is a common way to make a little more money. Grimmjow doesn't think Ichigo would have pitched the idea if he didn't think he could manage his own family. He knows them; Grimmjow doesn't. They won't have any loyalty to Grimmjow but they don't sound like they would ever sell out Ichigo, no matter what they think of the company he wants to keep.
Grimmjow gave everything a lot of thought, and if any two stubborn f*ckers have a chance of pulling off the unlikely, maybe it's them. He's a quick thinker and he's careful, and Ichigo's smart as a whip, too. ...Or maybe he is just fooling himself because he wants it so damn bad.
Regardless of what they can pull off or not, he gave himself a condition before he came here today. The condition was that - in that third case, where Ichigo still wants him and they give it a shot - he won't let any fall out hit Ichigo in the future because of him. He'll always figure something out. He has been on tenterhooks at the thought of being Ichigo's downfall, so he has decided that he'll just never let himself be that. He really doesn't give a single f*ck about what he might have to do to follow through on that resolution, either.
Pretty funny, the ridiculous juxtaposition between some six-odd months ago and now. A few months ago, he would have left Ichigo high and dry if they ran into any trouble because 'it's every man for himself in the end.' Would have admitted it flat out if Ichigo had ever asked. Somewhere along the way, that principle turned completely upside down and Grimmjow can't even tell when the f*ck it happened. It isn't 'every man for himself' anymore. Not even close.
Ichigo opens the door and immediately narrows his eyes in suspicion after glancing at who it is and the obvious stuff slung over his shoulder. "If you pull money out of that bag, I'll kill you."
Grimmjow can't believe he still feels the exact same way every single time he sees Ichigo's face again after having not for a while.
"Not this time," Grimmjow promises with an amused snort. "Don't have my old bunk anymore. Wondered whether you were still in the market for a roommate, help pay the rent and everything. Like we talked about."
Understandably, Ichigo is f*cking doubtful. Too bad Ichigo can't see into his skull and understand exactly where Grimmjow is coming from and how he has gone from point A to point B. Then it would make sense to him. But maybe it would make it worse if he could see in there and learn what a genuine clusterf*ck the road between those points has been.
Grimmjow wasn't wrong about most things. At its core, their situation has not changed much. "This still what you want, going in with both eyes open and knowing what'll probably happen? Even after we talked about it all, you still want the same thing?" Ichigo's one last, final out.
"You're the one who's been all over the place," Ichigo replies with a shrug. "I've never changed my mind about what I'm willing to do."
No, he really hasn't. And after all this time, it's finally enough for Grimmjow to stop fighting. He'll give in. He wants to keep Ichigo around as much as he can get him and if Ichigo is dumb enough to want him too, well. He's just got to be worth it, that's all, for as long as he can be.
He finally meets the famed little sisters and thinks that - if he really looks hard - he can see a little of Ichigo's looks in each of them. He hadn't forgotten that he would have to live with Ichigo's whole family here but he has to admit it wasn't exactly front of mind and hitting him the way it is now. Going to be a f*cking adjustment, that's for sure.
Christ, Ichigo's a lot of work. He had better believe Grimmjow cares about him after all of this.
Shortly thereafter, they're getting the third degree from Ichigo's old man which comes as no surprise whatsoever. He might be sickly but he ain't dumb: Grimmjow can see that immediately. The instant Ichigo refers to him as "my friend from the mine," Grimmjow watches the wheels turn and the lines around his mouth tighten and he absolutely sees right through what is going on here as Grimmjow had suspected he would.
And, okay, a reasonable person can admit that the old man has a point about not being warned in advance. But he initially sounds like he is blaming it on Ichigo when it was Grimmjow's damn fault, so he interjects to say as much. That seems to remind Kurosaki senior that he's standing there and opens the door to interrogating him instead. He voices the most obvious doubts right off the bat.
Grimmjow had prepared responses on the way here to basically anything he could ask, and rattles off a line without hesitation about how living here will be better for him by cutting down his expenses. He even offers to let the two of them privately work out the cost situation... not that he knows it. He and Ichigo hadn't exchanged a single word about money since it's more of a cover story than anything. He had better not bitch this go around when Grimmjow actually contributes.
"I would like that, but surely you can understand an old man having some hesitation about leaving a complete stranger alone with his young daughters."
Grimmjow tenses because that really pisses him off, the implication. The suggestion that he might be some kind of an animal or a f*cking pervert. And maybe some people would insist he is the latter, because of the man-f*cking-another-man thing, but implying that he might do something to helpless little girls? And for that matter, Grimmjow is insulted on Ichigo's behalf. The idea that Ichigo would ever let someone into his life or home who might hurt them, when he runs himself f*cking ragged for those girls, for how much he loves them? Ridiculous, and this man should already know that better than anyone.
Kurosaki senior very obviously is not buying what Grimmjow is selling in any way, shape, or form - which he anticipated would be the case, yeah - but Ichigo still wants him here. And if Ichigo wants him here then sorry, f*cker: Grimmjow's going to find a way to stay, father or not. So he prepares to react, to argue, to get a grip on the situation, because he can manipulate most things if he tries hard enough, and-
He hesitates.
"Why can't you trust me?!" He thinks again about Ichigo shouting that in frustration a week ago, when they had laid all their cards out. He thinks about the many, many times Ichigo had quietly, perhaps unknowingly shown that he trusted Grimmjow, even though the trust was undeserved. He thinks about Ichigo resting on his head on Grimmjow's shoulder like nothing else in the world mattered outside of them being together.
Grimmjow had just told Ichigo back at the front door that he would do whatever Ichigo asked to prove himself and show that he was trustworthy. And Ichigo could have raked him over the coals, could have told him that he had no reason to believe him since Grimmjow has been so damn inconsistent and distant so hit the road, jackass. He could have told Grimmjow that he needed to prove himself in a hundred ways before the offer was even close to being back on the table. He didn't, though. The only damn thing he had asked of Grimmjow in that moment was to meet his family.
...Grimmjow begrudgingly, forcibly lowers his hackles. Tells Ichigo's old man that he understands and offers to wait outside. Ichigo looks so completely baffled at the response when Grimmjow sneaks a glance at him that it nearly makes Grimmjow crack a smile.
This one isn't his battle to fight. He has to let Ichigo handle this one. If Ichigo can make it happen, then he will, and if he can't, then it can't happen.
If Grimmjow feels the way he says he does about him, then he needs to try to trust him. It's a tall order, and not something he knows how to do. He is not sure whether he can, but - to make up for all the bullsh*t he knows he has pulled - well, he can at least give it a f*cking try.
Lo and behold, Ichigo comes to get him and invites him back in shortly thereafter because he pulled it off just fine on his own. Grimmjow's whole life has changed a hell of a lot since Ichigo came into the picture.
Ichigo doesn't offer much detail about whatever Kurosaki senior said, but assures Grimmjow that he has nothing to worry about. Grimmjow knows he will have to pull him aside and talk to him eventually. He can't just live in the man's home with his kids - one of whom is very clearly Grimmjow's lover - and skirt him indefinitely. Doesn't know what the f*ck he'll say or anything, but maybe he will do it in a few weeks once they are all settled.
Ichigo is still sort of living in his fantasy land because in response to Grimmjow reminding that he can't protect him as easily now (he will, because he swore it to himself, but he can't deny that it will be a lot f*cking harder), he is confidently insisting that he doesn't need protecting. "I can take care of myself, and my family, and take care of you. I think it's worth it - you're worth it to me - and I think we're both stubborn enough to keep anything bad from happening, anyway. You'll see. We'll be fine."
There will really never be another person in his life like Ichigo. Grimmjow didn't think he would be able to have this again.
He presses his face into Ichigo's skin and breathes him in. Grimmjow can't expect him to stop being a naïve, optimistic dumbass overnight and he tells him as much but before Ichigo can argue, Grimmjow cuts him off. "It ain't going to be like it was, from now on. With you-" thinking I don't give a sh*t about you. Thinking you're worth nothing. Ichigo's worth more than anyone. Grimmjow just isn't sure how to show him. He tries again: "Going to be more of the person you deserve. I'll swear it on anything you want."
Ichigo considers the offer. "Okay. Swear it on your cigarettes."
Grimmjow has to laugh.
He kind of hates all this sappy talk because it still feels like peeling his skin off to expose his bones. He also isn't crazy about all the new rules regarding when they can f*ck now that they are sharing a space with Ichigo's family and makes sure to complain about that a little. But he does really enjoy the part where he can hold Ichigo against him on an actual bed instead of the ground while he kisses him and touches him as much as he wants, and he supposes that will have to make up for everything else.
An hour or so later in which they don't do much of anything but enjoy each other's company again, they're interrupted by one of the little sisters (Grimmjow can't remember which one is which yet) shouting that dinner is ready. He releases Ichigo from his grip and twists to rest on his back as he hears him leave the room. Grimmjow certainly didn't bring any food with him so he will have to go out to get something.
"Grimmjow?" He turns his head to see that Ichigo is back in the doorway and regarding him strangely. "What the hell are you waiting for? I know you heard her say dinner is ready, she said it in English."
They stare at each other for the second during which Grimmjow processes that. "Didn't know I was supposed to come," he explains with a half-shrug.
Ichigo scoffs at him. "You have a lot to learn about living with Japanese people." He says it sternly and tries to keep a straight face but the corner of his mouth quirks upward as he grabs Grimmjow's wrist to yank him off the bed and out to the table.
The bed really is way too f*cking small, Grimmjow decides that night, but that means Ichigo is curled up around him under the blanket and it keeps them both nice and warm despite the cold seeping in from the December air outside. Despite the unfamiliarity of it all, he doesn't think he has ever felt more relaxed in his entire life.
Even in his sleep, Ichigo has a little stubborn frown on his face and it makes Grimmjow huff a barely audible laugh. "Ichigo?"
He doesn't wake up. That's alright; let him sleep. Grimmjow will tell him tomorrow. He will have plenty of opportunities to tell him anything he wants. He hopes that he never runs out of opportunities.
Forty years from now, maybe he will be sitting somewhere looking up at the sky and smoking a cigarette, and maybe he'll get lucky and Ichigo will be there sitting next to him.
